Life Involves Loved Ones

It’s crazy how people can become so self-absorbed. I’m not even blaming other people. I am guilty of being selfish and so ignorant to the world that I can’t help but beat myself up once I finally leave my bubble.

I recently decided to enter a slum for a few days. It was supposed to be a week, but I checked out early. I thought what I was doing was okay. I convinced myself it was perfectly normal to stop helping and caring for so many people and to just acknowledge that I was in an unhappy state.

 It takes a lot of energy to pretend you’re happy. It’s pretty draining to smile and lie to people and say that you’re okay, or assure them that you’re just tired. I’m actually one of those people who don’t let things get to me, but when my mind finally wants to deal with it, I’ll be on the bus or in the middle of a Sunday morning service and just start crying.

Yeah, I could just deal with things when they happen, but I’m so stubborn. I feel selfish for sitting down to deal with my own problems while I could be helping other people. So this week, I changed my mind. This week I felt such an overwhelming pressure of negativity that I let it take a hold of me for a bit. I honestly don’t feel bad about it all. I needed it. I needed to stop being busy, stop ignoring and pushing all the sad feelings to the back of my mind and to just let it take me.

So I sat there, I lay there, day after day, feeling so “meh”. Slowly, things started to crack my shell. What’s that? I totally forgot my godmother had surgery to remove her tumour. She’s going in for radiation now? Hold on, what do you mean my friend randomly deactivated his Facebook and Twitter account? Where is he? Wait, what? My friend hasn’t been showing up to work for weeks and people are worried? Where have I been? What have I been doing? “Meh”.

Time to shove everything back under the rug and check back into reality. I'll figure myself out later.