Bleh

Lately, an abundance of bad things are happening to the loved ones of people close to me. It can be a curse, but I empathize with their pain, anxiety and worry. Every time I hear an update or a negative status, it hits me harder. Blow by blow, these people are all I think about. They're constantly in my head. 

I started thinking today though. It's too much. He has cancer, she has cancer, she has leukemia, she had a serious allergic reaction, her cancer is back. It only took 5 days for all this news to me. I'm saturated in fear and worry. 

Now either I can worry and be really mad at the world or I can be a real Christian and man up. It's so flipping hard though. Being a Christian is no simple walk in the park. Maybe it is for some people, but I have crazy allergies so crap can jump up at any moment and I won't realize it's harmful unless I stay with it for too long. 

I'm just struggling to do the right thing these days. I know Satan is loving all the happiness that's been drained out of me, but I haven't been this low in a long time and I'm too tired and weak to get up.

The other half of me knows I'm a baby and that I don't even have to get up to go to God. People got healed being sick in bed because Jesus came directly to them.

I have to re-evaluate all this crappy news and consider myself extra blessed every time. 

The First

It’s a fresh start. It’s the beginning of a new cycle, new month, but not too new that your goals are too high. They may fly away before you reach them. August 1^st is a good start. It’s not really the beginning of a season, year or a Monday, but it’s a start nevertheless. I figured maybe, just maybe, if I publicly post what my start will be this first of the month, I may get through it and not give up until the next Monday or the next first.

My first is a fitness first. Well, not really a first because I’ve been working on my fitness ever since I started university. It’s rarely even a weight thing. The more I’ve struggled with my various weight losses and increases, the more I’ve learnt to love my body just the way it is. Self-esteem is obviously a great thing. Who wouldn’t want to believe in themselves and walk around with their heads held high? However, self-esteem and being comfortable in my own skin has made me complacent. I’m so used to my body that my “problem” areas that I rarely even call them problems anymore.  

How can I be determined to lose weight if guys keep telling me I look good? Ugh, life is SO hard…

It’s been a week though and I’ve been working out consistently (ish) and watching what I eat. My sister is like my fitness guru who pushes me to run every morning and high fives me even though I’m walking back. Thanks to sparkpeople.com, it tells me what my recommended calorie intake should be and so far I’ve been able to stay within that range.

I think if I stay away from nice people and their compliments for a few months, I may actually be able to pull this off.