Bleh

Lately, an abundance of bad things are happening to the loved ones of people close to me. It can be a curse, but I empathize with their pain, anxiety and worry. Every time I hear an update or a negative status, it hits me harder. Blow by blow, these people are all I think about. They're constantly in my head. 

I started thinking today though. It's too much. He has cancer, she has cancer, she has leukemia, she had a serious allergic reaction, her cancer is back. It only took 5 days for all this news to me. I'm saturated in fear and worry. 

Now either I can worry and be really mad at the world or I can be a real Christian and man up. It's so flipping hard though. Being a Christian is no simple walk in the park. Maybe it is for some people, but I have crazy allergies so crap can jump up at any moment and I won't realize it's harmful unless I stay with it for too long. 

I'm just struggling to do the right thing these days. I know Satan is loving all the happiness that's been drained out of me, but I haven't been this low in a long time and I'm too tired and weak to get up.

The other half of me knows I'm a baby and that I don't even have to get up to go to God. People got healed being sick in bed because Jesus came directly to them.

I have to re-evaluate all this crappy news and consider myself extra blessed every time. 

The First

It’s a fresh start. It’s the beginning of a new cycle, new month, but not too new that your goals are too high. They may fly away before you reach them. August 1^st is a good start. It’s not really the beginning of a season, year or a Monday, but it’s a start nevertheless. I figured maybe, just maybe, if I publicly post what my start will be this first of the month, I may get through it and not give up until the next Monday or the next first.

My first is a fitness first. Well, not really a first because I’ve been working on my fitness ever since I started university. It’s rarely even a weight thing. The more I’ve struggled with my various weight losses and increases, the more I’ve learnt to love my body just the way it is. Self-esteem is obviously a great thing. Who wouldn’t want to believe in themselves and walk around with their heads held high? However, self-esteem and being comfortable in my own skin has made me complacent. I’m so used to my body that my “problem” areas that I rarely even call them problems anymore.  

How can I be determined to lose weight if guys keep telling me I look good? Ugh, life is SO hard…

It’s been a week though and I’ve been working out consistently (ish) and watching what I eat. My sister is like my fitness guru who pushes me to run every morning and high fives me even though I’m walking back. Thanks to sparkpeople.com, it tells me what my recommended calorie intake should be and so far I’ve been able to stay within that range.

I think if I stay away from nice people and their compliments for a few months, I may actually be able to pull this off.

  

Knock knock...Who's there?

There's someone knocking on the door. Don't get it yet though. The place is filthy. There are dishes in the sink, the beds are unmade and the bathroom smells. You don't know who's waiting outside though. You have no clue how long they'll wait either. What you do know is that you want to make a good impression. You want to make sure that whoever is on the other side will like what they see.

What if the person on the other side is the Holy Spirit? 

You'd probably be rushing now to get the place cleaned up before letting Him in now. What are you hiding though? Sometimes we forget He's everywhere. He's seen everything and knows everything about us. Who better to help you clean up than the Holy Spirit? It's pretty obvious he can help heal you much faster than you would all by yourself. He can also point out a few dusty corners you didn't even know needed cleaning. Why wouldn't we want to let him in? 

For me, it's mostly pride. I want to do things for myself, by myself. I tend to forget that regardless of the plans I have, God's are bigger and better. 

30 Hour Famine...Well, 30 hours for most of us

The youth at my church participated in World Vision's 30 Hour Famine about a month ago. I'll gladly take any opportunity I can to show off how amazing I think they are. I just find them so entertaining as others may just think they're shy....think again.

It's Not Me, It's You

I have a bone to pick with a few of you out there. Now I already took responsibility in a previous post for letting people get to me, get under my skin. The full truth is that it's not all my fault. Your nasty attitude has something to do with it. It should be no surprise that people's moods rub off on each other. 

I agree that sometimes people can't help it. Somehow when you left your house and tried to bury your bad mood there, it followed you to work and in that conversation you later had with friends. I think you can help some of it though. People who are in bad moods are most likely in their most selfish stage. All they're thinking about is their lousy mood and how much things suck. I may, perhaps, sometimes be guilty of doing this, but I want us to think of a few things the next time we're not too cheery:

1. The world isn't against you

2. People who haven't done anything to you don't deserve to be treated like they have. 

3. Everyone has problems. You have no way of knowing whether or not you've gotten the shortest end of the stick. 

What do you get out of dragging people down with you? Keep your distance and stay jealous of all us happy people until you decide to join us. 

The thing is, you have just put everyone you come into contact with into two categories. They're either people who put you in a bad mood or people who haven't done anything to you, but you're projecting your bad mood upon. 

So grow up. Apologize to the people you've been spreading your bad mood on because you know they didn't deserve it in the first place. Second of all, confront the person who you're upset with. For all you know, they have no clue you're mad at him or her.

That way, others around you can live in peace. You just might gain some of their respect back.

On Your Marks...

Some people use school as a clutch to avoid the real world. The fear of joining the working class can be overwhelming enough to pay the price and time for another course (or degree). I’m not like that. Well, maybe a little bit. I want to be as prepared as I can before I start my career. I want to utilize all the programs related to my field of choice during my post-secondary years.

So many people have had to go back to school after the real world has slapped them into the reality that they’re not equipped yet. I don’t want to be that person. I’ve specifically chosen a path of a degree of a diploma to balance out the theoretical and practical skills I’ll need for my journalism career. I’m not confused or unsure. I trust I’m doing the right thing even though people have doubted and judged my choices along the way.

When someone asks me, “Aren’t you done school yet?”, what I really hear is, “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” So I say “Nope”, when I really mean “Absolutely” to the question I really heard. Don’t you think I want to get out? I do. I’m ready to start living, exploring, and creating.

Sometimes I realize I’d be done by now if I didn’t start going to college. I’d be done a year ago if I didn’t decide to do my Honours for my Bachelor’s degree. Everything happens for a reason. It’s a nerdy thing to say, but I actually love learning. In college, I get to unleash all the creativity I never got to show my university professors through my essays. I’m taking my last communication studies course this summer and I’m actually enjoying the readings. Well, most of them. The percentage would be higher if I actually read them all. That’s beside the point.

I love communications because I can use something from every course in my everyday life or future career. Do I sound ambitious? Prepared? Determined? So while I’m finishing up my last year at school, I’m giving the world a heads up to get ready for my entrance onto the scene.

…Which scene? I haven’t really narrowed it down yet, but don’t you worry, I’m coming! 

Stick to Your Guns

People can be really annoying. That's obvious. Everyone knows someone who just gets under their skin. You can't control it. That person just makes you lose your composure. Why is that? That's a question for you and your therapist. What pIsses me off is that I let the person get to me. I hate when people waste time, and I get just as mad ay myself than at other people when my time is wasted. I waste time entertaining this person's attempt to get to me. I waste time fighting back and getting mad, then I get mad at myself for all the time wasted. Sure, I should probably give myself some slack, but it's always the same person or same kind of person. Annoying. I know that staying mad at the person gives them a hold on me. The greater the grudge I have against them, the more power they gain. Yeah, I've even told other people that speech. It doesn't make things any easier though. If anything, it makes me more mad to realize after all this wasted time, this person gets power too. It's like a combo. I realized something new though. a small confession, really. I never feel bad about losing my cool. Either the person deserved it at the moment, or it was pent up aggression about.them from the past. Win win situation. Still....there's that small part of me after everything's over, that sweet, loving, kind part of me that asks, "Did you really say that to him/her? How could you?" 

...and I wanna do it again, but better. I wanna re-phrase my words, but returning to re-open the wounds that I created shows weakness and I can't afford to show that. So I keep on and don't turn back...there are beautiful people and things ahead.